


In Harm's Way

by SomeoneYouDontKnow



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Time Skips, and live with their nightmares and trauma that they share., basically two abuse survivors meet and fall in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-02-26 04:58:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13228566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeoneYouDontKnow/pseuds/SomeoneYouDontKnow
Summary: In 2016, Harry met Niall and woke him up, for the first time, with a nightmare.





	In Harm's Way

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: 25 - “My nightmares are usually about losing you.”
> 
> This story has a lot of characters talking about, connecting with each other over, and remembering their abuse they’ve went through. Actually, to be honest, the entire story is about those things. So please be careful if you are deciding to read this.
> 
> I, like usual, have also included a lot of my own experiences as an abuse victim, but they are my own experiences. Abuse can take many different forms, and what Harry and Niall and myself have gone through are in no way the only way abuse can be experienced.

The first time Harry had a nightmare when Niall was sleeping with him was on a Sunday, the morning after the first time they had sex.

Niall had been frantic; unsure of what to do and anxious for Harry’s safety, as the brunette thrashed under his sheets. 

Harry had finally woken up on the floor of the bedroom, throat hoarse from screaming and scratches running down the lengths of his arms. He found Niall in the bathroom, arms curled around his knees, arms scrabbling for purchase against his bare legs. Harry could hear his gasping sobs as the blonde tried to calm himself down from his panic attack.

Harry poured Niall a glass of water and sat down in front of the other man, whispering quiet words of encouragement as the he cried. 

They held each other for hours, silent and understanding, as only two people like them would know.

*

The second time Harry had a nightmare when Niall was sleeping with him was a few months later, when Niall decided he didn’t want to stay away anymore. 

This one, the nightmare, had lasted a much shorter amount of time, and Harry had woken to find Niall watching from the other side of the room. He had a glass of water in one of his hands, a book in the other, and a look of concern that twisted his features. Harry felt his face heat in embarrassment.

“I wasn’t sure what you usually do after nightmares, but I know some people who read to, like, focus on other things. And drinking water’s always good for you, so…” Niall shrugged, a little sheepish. He placed the said items on the bedside table, and the movement made Harry flinch so hard he almost fell of the edge of the bed. 

Niall froze, but remembered himself quickly, and started to back toward Harry’s bedroom door.

“And some people like to be alone,” Niall concluded, guilt in his eyes. “Sorry, I’ll just-”

“No,” Harry said automatically, shakily. He took a deep breath, still trying to shake off the growing fear the nightmare had brought. “I’m sorry. They just happen sometimes and-”

“I know,” Niall said, though it wasn’t comforting. It was a statement; like he knew exactly why Harry had the nightmares. Harry had just enough time to feel the tightness in his chest returning, before Niall confirmed his thoughts: “I’m an abuse survivor too, Harry. I get ‘em too.

“But I think you already knew that.” Harry briefly remembered Niall’s panic attack, comforting the blonde, and the awkward time after when Niall had left in a haste, embarrassed flush and wet eyes obvious.

“How did you-” What Harry had meant to say was,  _ How did you know?  _ but his voice had cracked before he could get the last word out.

Niall looked conflicted, like he was trying to decide if he should tell Harry the truth or not. “You’re scared of her,” he finally said, looking down, away from Harry’s eyes. “You yell her name when you’re sleeping, you tell her to stop hurting you.”

“Oh.” The statement had hit Harry hard, and he found it difficult to find the words to respond. He must have had a look of horror on his face, because Niall’s face had crumpled  into guilt.

“I get it,” he said hurriedly, like he had a limited amount of bravery to spend on the words. “My dad hurt  _ me _ , and-”

Harry reached out a hand, noticing Niall’s body; tense and trembling and closed off. He said, “you don’t have to tell me, Niall,” because they didn’t owe each other anything, and Harry had a sudden need to curl Niall into his arms instead of watch him stand across the room.

“Okay,” Niall answered. He didn’t move though, and Harry awkwardly dropped his outstretched arm. 

“You can if you want to,” Harry said carefully and wondered if what Niall really needed was to talk.

Instead, there is silence. Niall avoided Harry’s eyes once again. Harry thought,  _ or maybe he needs someone else to talk. _

"It was my girlfriend who…” Harry started. The words made Niall’s head lift up until he was looking at Harry. There was a moment of empathy shared between the two men, before Niall nodded in understanding when Harry couldn’t continue his thought.

“There’s this group I go to, on Thursdays,” Niall said, voice steadier than before, stride less shaky as he walked, slowly, toward Harry’s bed. He puts the glass of water and the book on the bedside table. “It helps a lot.”

Harry watched Niall closely, until the blonde is close enough for Harry to reach out and touch him. “Yeah, okay,” Harry said, not an promise, but a possibility.

He reached out his hand again, in a gesture of vulnerability, and Niall let him pull the blonde back into the bed. The curled around each other, and fell into a fitful sleep.

*

The third time Harry had a nightmare when Niall was sleeping with him happened a couple of hours later, under the rising sun, in the early hours of the morning.

*

The eleventh time  Harry had a nightmare when Niall was sleeping with him, the conversation that happened (a while) after started like this:

“I know what they do to you, Harry,” Niall said, gesturing to the deep, red scratch marks that run down Harry’s arms. “The nightmares.”

“They’ve changed, since I met you.” Harry changed the subject quickly, uncomfortable with the growing concern in Niall’s voice.

The blonde frowned hard, crawling closer toward Harry on his bed. Harry let Niall pull him down into a cuddle, and they wrapped themselves around each other under Harry’s too-thin sheets. There was silences, and when Harry hadn’t continued his thought, Niall asked, “what is that supposed to mean, then?”

Harry sighed, burrowing his face into the warmth of Niall’s neck, feeling warm and secure in his boyfriend’s arms. “What happens in them, it’s changed.”

Niall pulled far enough away to stare at Harry, expression uncomfortably worried. 

“Harry?” He questioned, his voice lifting a little at the end.

“Shh,” Harry mumbled. He kissed Niall’s head as he brought the blonde’s head down to his chest, promising an dishonest, “later, okay?”

*

The nineteenth time Harry had a nightmare when Niall was sleeping with him had started differently.

Harry had awoken, for the first time, in the middle of the dream. He was confused as to why; the nightmares had always run their course before Harry could wake up. Realization came to him almost immediately, when he became aware of his surroundings and heard the quiet whimpers that were coming from beside him. 

Feeling wrung out and stressed from the beginning of the nightmare, Harry was tempted to ignore the sounds and drift back to sleep. But then a louder sound, a scream-like shrill, snapped the remaining sleepiness from Harry, and he turned sharply in the bed.

It was Niall, and the sight Harry saw sent spikes of panic through his stomach. Niall was still, eerily so, but his mouth was open in a silent scream. He sucked in a large gulp of air every ten or so seconds, and the resulting breath out carried small whines and groans.

Niall had nightmares too, and sometimes it had taken Harry a while to remember that. Niall had told him that, on their very first date, that they were few and far between - especially compared to the blonde’s panic attacks - but he did still have them. Unfortunately, this was the first time Harry had ever seen one.

The nightmare didn’t last long - another thing Niall had mentioned when he had spoken about the dreams - but it knowing the feelings and memories Niall was going through made Harry’s insides twist uncomfortably. 

Niall had woken up with a sharp gasp, sitting up quickly in the bed. He spun his head from side to side, as if he was searching for hidden dangers all around him, until his gaze finally landed on Harry. The blonde visibly deflated, closing the distance between the two of them on the bed, and curled into Harry.

“Shit,” Niall said, like a statement, after he and Harry had shifted around and gotten comfortable under their mess of limbs.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Harry always asked, because Niall usually needed it.

This time, though, the blonde shook his head hastily and Harry nodded. They sat in silence for what could be hours, before Niall whispered something into Harry’s t-shirt covered shoulder. Harry frowned and prodded Niall’s back with his fingertips, trying to coax the words from the blonde once again. Niall sighed and shifted his body until his mouth was resting on Harry’s neck, when he said:

“They’re getting worse again.” He then added, “they do that sometimes.”

Harry knew this, and wondered why Niall was bringing the fact up. He couldn’t find anything to ask that didn’t sound condescending or thoughtless, so he stated, “mine do too.”

Niall mumbled, “therapy helps,” and curled his fingers around Harry’s and squeezed, as if to emphasize the point. Harry could immediately tell where the conversation was going to go by Niall’s gesture, and felt a hint of annoyance.

“Okay.”

“It would help you, too,” Niall said, naturally bringing up the old argument between the two of them. Niall went to therapy a few times a month, and the blonde said it had helped him immensely. Harry thought, for a long time, that therapy wasn’t something for him, that therapy wasn’t something that could help him. Lately, though, Harry had been thinking about Niall’s recovery process, and how much better he had been with his anxiety and panic attacks after he was able to go through therapy. The change hadn’t made Harry love Niall any more, or less, but he appreciated the way Niall seemed to be happier with himself and his scarred body. And, in general, Harry had felt a new level of contentment at knowing that Niall loved himself in the same way Harry had; wholeheartedly. 

So, instead of arguing, Harry nodded, kissed Niall’s forehead, and said, “I’ll go to your group session next Thursday, as a start?”

The beaming smile Harry got in return for the words was one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen.

*

The thirtieth time  Harry had a nightmare when Niall was sleeping with him was one of the most jarring and terrifying nightmare he would ever have. He woke up, gasping, without Niall in his bed, and only found the blonde after he had a moment to control his ragged breathing.

The blonde was on the other side of the room, and it reminded Harry of the second time Niall had stayed the night, the night before they had decided to try and make their relationship work. This time, though Niall was once again holding a glass of water and a book, his hands were shaking, and he had tears leaking down his cheeks.

“Niall?” Harry said, voice rising in alarm.

“You were screaming,” Niall said, slow and quiet, “you were screaming  _ my name,  _ Harry.”

Harry gathers himself onto shaky legs and walks to Niall, who gestured to the water pointedly. Harry rolled his eyes; of course Niall would still be worrying about Harry even if the blonde was the one crying. Harry took the glass of water and book away from Niall’s hands and purposely drank a long gulp of the water, before putting the two items down on the bookshelf behind Niall. He then pulled his boyfriend into a tight hug, and they stood there, gently rocking on the balls of their feet, until Niall’s sniffles had quieted down, and Harry could pull away to look at him.

The blonde ran a hand up Harry’s chest to his face, cupping his cheek. Harry leaned into the touch slightly, and Niall’s hand continued on its journey to Harry’s curls. He ran his fingers through Harry’s hair, in what the brunette guessed was a comforting gesture, that had probably comforted Niall himself more than Harry. 

“Why were you screaming my name, Harry?” The question came softly, but Niall’s eyes were focused on Harry’s answer, searching for the truth.

“My nightmares are usually about losing you,” Harry admitted, smiling sadly at the look of shock on Niall’s face.

“Harry,” he said incredulously. 

“I told you: they’ve changed since I met you.”

The night ended with a frustrated blonde sleeping on the couch out of guilt, and his boyfriend lying awake in their bedroom, a small box with a ring in the bedside table, wondering if he would ever have the chance to give it to Niall.

*

The thirty-second time  Harry had a nightmare when Niall was sleeping with him was the next morning, after Niall had snuck into his room in the middle of the night. 

“I’m sorry I’m an asshole. And I’m sorry I got mad at you when you were trying to tell me about your nightmares. I should have listened to you when you needed me, not ran away. I’m sorry. I’ll listen to you, if you wanna’ talk about it. Or we could watch that new Avengers movie, if you want?”

Harry couldn’t help but stare at Niall, the uncontrollable love that he felt for the blonde pulsing in his chest. “I love you,” he said, instead of answering Niall’s questions.

The blonde tilted his head, but didn’t hesitate in replying, “I love you, too.” He seemed to think about something for a second, before adding, “just...warn me, before you drop something like that again?”

“Okay,” Harry agreed eagerly, and a sudden idea suddenly took place in his mind. He smiled, and tipped Niall’s chin up until the blonde was looking straight into his eyes. “Can this be the warning?”

The furrowing of Niall’s brows was expected, and Harry easily brushed his fingers over the wrinkled skin until it was relaxed. Niall didn’t seem to enjoy the reaction, however, and asked sharply, “Harry?”

“Marry me?” Harry shrugged, wincing internally when he realized what that might look like to Niall. The blonde 

“Fuck off,” he mumbled, shoving at Harry’s chest like they were playing a game.

“I’m not joking,” Harry insisted, wrapping an arm around Niall to bring him closer to him again. When the blonde pushed away his hand, Harry sighed and pointed to the bedside table. “There’s a ring in the drawer beside me, if you want to look.”

Harry was scared to look Niall in the eyes. He wondered, as Niall puttered around the bed and pulled open the drawers of the bedside table, if Niall refusing to believe that Harry was actually proposing was worse than Niall saying no.

The room was silent, and Harry imagined Niall tracking his eyes over the box and slamming the drawer closed in disgust. Instead, Niall crawled carefully back onto the bed, and curled back into Harry’s side.

“Not now,” Niall answered softly, kissing the curve of Harry’s jaw.

“Okay,” Harry said. He tried to hide the tremor in his words, but Niall had always been good at reading him anyway.

“But later,” The blonde continued, and it was a promise if Harry had ever heard one.

*

The forty-fifth time Harry had a nightmare when Niall was sleeping with him, Niall finally said yes.

*

The forty-sixth time  Harry had a nightmare when Niall was sleeping with him was over a year after Harry’s last nightmare. For that reason alone, the nightmare was one of the most terrifying he had ever had. 

It was also the first night Harry had a full nightmare without waking Niall up, which was jarring in and of itself. Harry had gotten uncomfortably used to waking up to a glass of water and a book over time, and it felt weird to go down to their kitchen to get his own from the sink.

The water didn’t go down well, and Harry found he couldn’t do anything to distract himself like he normally did after a nightmare. Instead, he stayed up for the rest of the night, pacing, wondering what that particular nightmare had meant, and if it was implication of what was to come next.

*

The forty-seventh time Harry had a nightmare when Niall was sleeping with him was the next night, the night after Niall’s father had showed up at their door, and sent years of progress down the drain.

*

The sixty-fourth time Harry had a nightmare when Niall was sleeping with him was a couple nights after their wedding, and it didn’t take much besides Niall’s rhythmic breathing beside him to lull Harry back into a deep sleep.

*

The seventy-sixth time Harry had a nightmare when Niall was sleeping with him ended with the slam of a door, and Harry crying on the couch, wondering where love really goes when it is truly lost.

*

The seventy-seventh time Harry had a nightmare when Niall was sleeping with him was on a Sunday. The following hours brought the long lost feelings of love back to Harry’s chest, and, for the first time in a long time, Harry felt hopeful for the next day.

*

The last time Harry had a nightmare was on April 29th, 2023, the day after his first daughter, Julianna Horan-Styles, was born.

**Author's Note:**

> Living with Nightmares:  
> https://www.livingwell.org.au/managing-difficulties/dealing-with-nightmares/  
> http://www.kemh.health.wa.gov.au/services/sarc/documents/flashback.pdf
> 
> Abuse Hotlines: (from https://mentalillnessmouse.tumblr.com/post/21961172409/accepting-help-is-brave-hotlinescrisis-lines)  
> National Child Abuse Helpline: 1-800-422-4453  
> National Domestic Violence Crisis Line: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)  
> National Domestic Violence Hotline (TDD): 1-800-787-32324  
> Center for the Prevention of School Violence: 1-800-299-6504  
> Child Abuse Helpline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)  
> Domestic Violence Helpline: 1-800-548-2722  
> Healing Woman Foundation (Abuse): 1-800-477-4111  
> Child Abuse Hotline Support & Information: 1-800-792-5200  
> Women’s Aid National Domestic Violence Helpline: (UK Only) 0345 023 468  
> Sexual Abuse Centre: (UK Only) 0117 935 1707  
> Sexual Assault Support (24/7, English & Spanish): 1-800-223-5001  
> Domestic & Teen Dating Violence (English & Spanish: 1-800-992-2600  
> Relationships Australia: 1300-364-277


End file.
